New skills

Jan. 9th, 2012 11:02 pm
luckycanuck: (Mr Strong)
I registered for a first aid course through Royal Life Saving and did the online course and exam in one night.  I managed to get 100% on the exam, which is the minimum passing grade.  So now if anyone wants to have a heart attack or drown or get bitten by a funnel web spider, come to my place.  Next step is to practice bandaging and slings and to go to the practical session so I can show off the mad CPR skills I have picked up with the help of my rather creepy looking CPR mannequin.

Over the weekend I made some further progress on the practical section of my Cert III, attending a Body Attack class and a Body Balance class and got the instructors to sign off on my attendance/observance.  Body Attack was REALLY not my thing.  A lot of jumping around and confusing moves and blaring music that meant the only thing I could hear from the instructor was her saying "WOO" every few seconds.  Still, it's done and I won't have to do it again.  Body Balance was better.  I've been to it before of my own volition and it does have aspects that I like, but there are still annoyances.  I've tried to be fair to it but to really take to it there would have to be changes.  Less music, more focus on physical challenges, no more of the breathing stuff at the end, and most of all, no more annoying/affirming/pretentious yoga jargon.  The guy told us to "open up like a mango."  I have no idea what he meant.  If you tell me what to do with my body, I will do my best to do it.  If you speak in euphemisms and ask me to "gather my energy from the floor" I am going to want to punch someone.

Arrangements are being made to observe a number of sessions with a trainer at my gym.  In the meantime I am doing more heavy weights that gave me a pretty good tired today, and for the first time I actually kept track of my heart rate in the hopes of maintaining it in a target of 70-80% of the maximum.  I'll have to do this for credit later on and this strategy may come in handy in the future, so I reckon I might as well get used to it.  For my own purposes, however, I would rather just run.  I've also been doing tire and rope circuits and random mini-workouts at home.  This may be a time of getting in much better shape if things keep going this way.

A call came in today from the agency that forgot about me. They have marketed me to a couple of clients with jobs going.  More importantly, they are taking me seriously.

And in sad (or maybe it's not sad) news, JAQ has apparently been diagnosed with Stage III Ovarian Cancer.  I have friends for whom the death of friends and family is a regular issue.  It's very foreign to me.  This is the first time for a long time I have had to contemplate the prospect that someone close to me might die.  Apparently she is going to wear the Convicts t-shirt I gave her to chemo to absorb some Convict strength.  So far she seems to be taking an aggressive stance, vowing to kick cancer in its cancerous balls or something similar.

There's not been much change on the gloom front.  It did strike me recently that once upon a time I was reluctant to accept the prospect that I might have depression.  Now I hope I have it.  If I am actually clinically depressed, then that explains a lot of things.  If I'm not, then I would have to face up to the possibility that I am just a horrible/petty/unpleasant person.

The thought that I had some time ago about not being suitable for relationships has come back.  It's certainly not self pity this time, and it's not quite like the time a while back when I felt as though I had nothing to offer, it's just a fact.  I have no business being involved with anyone right now.
luckycanuck: (Default)
On the drive to Sydney I visited Minou who had some encouraging things to say about me setting up a business (she has effectively done the same thing as I am thinking of doing, though it forms a much greater proportion of her income than it would for me.)  My parents just rang and they thought it was a good idea too.  My dad set up an incorporated business in the 80s and still runs it for a living.  Dora is getting a better record at not peeing on the floor from joy overload when I visit.  I now don't pay her any attention until she is calm.  Everyone in Minou's place seemed happy to see me.

FW: At the gym in Minou's neighbourhood. AMRAP 15 minutes - 15 24kg kb swings, 20 hr pushups, 5 toes to rings - 8 rounds +2 kb swings.

I then went into Sydney and had dinner with an ex-girlfriend, in fact, I had dinner with my first ex-girlfriend, from way back in high school days in Canada.  She now lives in Perth and was in Sydney for work.  Small world, eh?  I was with her exactly half my life ago.  I was a bit slow to get into relationships and this relationship was quite short term (but it felt like a bigger deal at the time.)  We wound up at a local pub for hours, it was a really nice evening, and we got all caught up on everything that happened over the last 17 years.  Now I have more reason to visit Perth.

As I was about to drive to Collaroy I heard from Nerva Chu who was having people over, and I popped over to visit.  I wound up dozing a bit on the sofa but not leaving until the morning.  Apparently she and a few of her friends may be coming to the next Rugger Bugger show providing that I am in it.  All the more reason now.  If I can get to rehearsals, I will be in it.  I no longer have to worry about not embarrassing employers.

Saturday was spent at the Collaroy Castle which I will have to prepare for my cousin's visit with her family in a couple of weeks.  It was also spent eating.  And it was spent resting.  And it was spent sweating.

YW: AMRAP 30 minutes - 20 marine pushups, 20 air squats - 38 rounds + 8 pushups.

I've also been looking at the prospect of getting some gym equipment for home and putting together some homemade gym equipment myself.  Sandbags, a slosh pipe (basically a hollow plastic pipe that you partially fill with water and that will smash you good) a big tire and a smaller tire along with things to hit them with and some heavy rope for pulling things and for conditioning are at the top of my list.
luckycanuck: (Default)
It has been an active few days.

Plenty of workouts, including one where I surprised myself by cleaning more than my bodyweight.  I failed at my first attempt but made the second and felt very proud of myself.  I've also had lots of fun with the tire at Deakin (which belongs to a trainer who has no objections to me using it if he's not around.)
Pics )

So I've had plenty of physical fun.  I took Coffee Snob through a workout I devised for her, and she said to me "you make me work harder than I want to, but I have to work out harder than I want to."  Praise indeed.

I also went to a harp concert featuring Ginger Harpist.

Pics )

Because I'm all cultured like that.  She learned me a few things about the harp the next day.

I had a job interview that went very well.  It would be doing media work in the Department of Health and it would be one step removed from the Minister's office.  There was a little bit of concern about my partisan past, but I'm professional enough to be able to put my personal feelings about the Minister aside (I don't like her at all) and do the job.  It would be a three month job, possibly longer, and it sounds quite interesting.  Oh yes, and the first question they asked was about wife carrying, which I mention on my resume.

I've also traded a bit.  Generally I keep an eye on the market for the first half hour and the last ten minutes or so in addition to checking in periodically during the day, rather than watching like a hawk all the time. I can still pay attention without letting it get in the way of everything else.

I'm up in Sydney now, but I forgot to bring appropriate clothes for looking for work so I may have to pick something up before heading into the city today talk to a couple of agencies.  I've also got a funeral to go to.  The team doctor for the Convicts and partner of one of our players died and it would be good to go.

Last night I had a beer with an ex-girlfriend.  With Jem, things were often tumultuous.  I really loved her and I still do (though I didn't say it this time.)  I hadn't seen her in quite a while but we had a good chat.  I told her about me being depressed, and her reaction was "isn't is great?"  I may have been told at some point, but somehow it never struck me that she had been struggling with depression since before we met.  That might explain some of the difficulty we had, especially when you add in the stresses and aspieness that I brought to the table.  What we had was wonderful at times, but it was also exhausting at times.  Part of me that still remembers the good things between up still wishes we could have it back, but we can't.

Tonight I'm having a beer with another ex-girlfriend.  It's lucky for me that I get along with exes.  The only one about which I have any negative memories is Ma Cherie Zoologiste (and I'm not sure she was actually a girlfriend.)

So the last few days have been pretty good actually, given that I've kept myself busy.
luckycanuck: (Default)

It's been a while since I've been in a relationship and since I've been in love in that way.  Excepting a brief period where I was involved with MCZ (and looking back, I wouldn’t class that as a relationship) I’ve not been in a relationship since January 2008.  I dated a bit within the first six months I was single.  It was kind of therapeutic at first but it’s been a long time since I’ve even been looking.


But over the past three and a bit years I have loved a lot of people.  Some of them are reading this entry right now.

 

In my relationship days I used to depend pretty heavily on whomever I happened to be in a relationship with for emotional support.  Sometimes I suppose I was a lot to carry.  Now I’ve managed to find a number of friends who fill that role, which means being close to a number of people (almost all of them women) who care about me.

 

Now I find myself reluctant to get involved in serious relationships again, and some thoughts have crossed my mind as to why.  (Before you get into this, let me state that I know these reasons may sound absurd, but they remain bouncing around my mind.)

 

I don’t want to risk losing my support network.  Somehow I feel like it would be wrong, or someone I was seriously involved with might feel uncomfortable with me being so close friends with so many other women.  I feel like I would face the prospect of having to cut people I love out of my life to do right by a girlfriend and/or wife.

 

This leads to my second reason for reluctance.  I tend to feel a sense of duty to those people who are close to me.  I feel as though getting seriously involved with someone would mean I casting aside them and all they have meant to me, and I don’t think I can do that.  On some level, I view getting involved with someone as a betrayal of all the people whom I have loved over the past three years.  Like I’m saying they’re not enough.  Like there is something wrong with them or that they are disposable.

 

The idea that I could betray someone by making them feel disposable is not one I am comfortable with, and recently I made someone I love feel that way.  This is someone who had been with me in times of sadness and of joy, and I made them feel as though they were just random and interchangeable because I was also close with other people.  Managing personal relationships has never been a strength of mine, and I probably handled the whole thing badly.  I fear I have a tendency to do that and I fear I will do it again.

 

So there you have it.  Perhaps I am reluctant to get involved in relationships because I don’t want to lose or betray anyone I love.

 

I’ve rambled long enough and it is after midnight.  I don’t think I’ve hit the nail on the head but this is at least something.


luckycanuck: (Default)

FW: Improvised.  Run 1km, 30 pushups, 25 kettlebell swings, 20 situps, 15 pullups - 10 rounds.  Reduce run by 100m every round.  It took me just over an hour of consistan physical effort.  300 pushups, 250 kettlebell swings, 200 situps, 150 pullups, and running 5.5km at an average pace of over 15km/h.  I was quite pleased with my improvised workout, and had a really solid endorphin high.

I was up early on Saturday to do some electioneering with Coffee Snob and boyfriend of Coffee Snob.  We hit Bungendore in the morning then Coogee and Maroubra in the afternoon after driving up to Sydney.  The results were fairly unsurprising.  It was a resounding Liberal/Nationals victory.  The degree to which Labor was smashed is hard to overstate, and it will not be easy to come back from such a drubbing.  I will have the chance to send in my CV to the new state Government and see what comes of it.

I was trying to decide what the best story of the night was.  The change in government overall is, of course, a pretty big story, but it was so expected that it was anti-climactic.  A couple of Independent federal MPs who put Labor back in last year saw their allies on the state level smashed in favour of people on my team.  That could be a warning of rough seas ahead for Windsor and Oakeshott at the next federal election.

Of course, I still am fairly disengaged from politics (or more accurately a lot of the people who get up in arms about politics.)  This article reminded me of a quote from Winston Churchill.  "The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."  Is it odd that I am cynical about people who are cynical?

We stayed at the Collaroy Castle.  My uncle was reluctant to have people over, but he didn't show it.  CS and BoCS were quite impressed by the place and the neighbourhood.  I though it was going to be tough to get CS back to Canberra.

I drove most of the way back to Canberra and it looks like I may have converted BoCS to thinking along the lines of Crossfit.  I'm always happy to see people willing to take working out seriously.

Oh yes, and on election night I ran into a girl I dated in my first year in Australia.  At the time I was really smitten with her as she seemed to tick all the boxes, but five years later (has it been that long) I came to the conclusion that being involved with her would probably have been exhausting.  Also the new MP for Coogee is openly gay and there was a pretty high proportion of gays in the crowd including a few surrounding my former crush (who seems to have taken on the role of a fag hag) and one creepy guy who groped me a bit.
luckycanuck: (convicts rugby)

I went down ot the city on Saturday, first for rugby training (a joint exercise with the Melbourne team) in which I aggravated the twinge in my back, though it went away.  I do worry, however, about what this will mean for my back in proper games this season.  We were playing half contact rugby and I must have twisted the wrong way when I went to ground and suddenly my twinge muscle locked up.

I had a bit of a workout and a sauna and some lunch before meeting up for the parade.  This was the first time the Mardi Gras parade didn't fall during Lent which meant it was the first time I ever  had a beer before the parade with the rest of the guys.

We were right at the back of the parade, and while waiting three or four hours in the marshalling area I ran across a number of friends whom I didn't realise were in the parade.  Mitzi was there and I hadn't seen her since New Year's Eve.

One of my teammates brought along five of his female friends, and it turns out one of them thought I was gay, but was quite pleased to find out I wasn't.  A bit of snogging was done along with an exchange of phone numbers.  I'm still very much inclined ot be single though.  It took me a long time to learn to be single and now I think I would have to relearn how to be involved again.  Singleness seems to permeate every aspect of how I live my life.  If there is going to be any casual involvement, I suspect it might be easier to be casually involved with someone who lives far away (like in Sydney or further afield) and to have the buffer zone that comes with distance.  Of course, I'm not really interested in casual sex either.  That phase of my life ended a long time ago and I have no interest in revisiting it.

Unwanted groping was at a much more tolerable level this year.  I did have to knock away a couple of hands, but nothing like last year.  I was home by just after 1:00am and managed not to wake the rest of the family.  (I hadn't mentioned what parade I was in until they asked if I was in the Mardi Gras parade.  Somehow it didn't seem relevant, though it's certainly not a problem.)

On Sunday I went with the Swedes to the beach, where the water was cool and the waves were just breaking well enough to bodysurf.  It's odd, but I felt less stressed with my cousin's family around than I did having my parents around recently, but then again, my parents always come with other people who don't interest me so that may explain it.

On the way down to Canberra I visited Minou and met the new addition to the family. Bunn seemed perfectly happy to rest on my chest, though not as much as he liked resting on Minou's chest.  I can't imagine why.

Oh yes, and I now have a Canadian passport.  (J'ai un passeport Canadien maintenant.)  In less than a month I will be off travelling again.  (En moins que une mois je voyagerai encore.)


Of course, Coffee Snob told me my passport photo makes me look menacing!  (Bien sur, "Café Snob" m'a dit que le photo de mon passeport me rend l'air menaçant!)
luckycanuck: (Default)
I went to the counsellor yesterday.  I'm not sure how it went.  There wasn't any sense of where I should be going from here or what I should do.  He did advise me to look at other jobs within politics, which could mean talking to employment agencies, finding a job in what will soon be the new NSW state government, or possibly moving out of politics into the public service.  He seemed to be much more optimistic about my skills and abilities than I am.  I told him so.  A lot of people seem to think I would waltz into reasonably high level jobs.  At the moment, however, I attach little value to the the work I am doing, and so I attach little value to myself.  Maybe I need to get out of it, to do it better, or to find a way to attach more importance to it.  I'm not sure which.

He wasn't convinced I am dealing with depression, as there are no physical symptoms like lack of sleep or sickness and my exercise regimes are still in place.  I'll keep an eye on this front.

I kind of wish I had requested a woman.  This guy was fine I guess, but I am more comfortable around women with issues like this.

I had my first day back at the gym after the 12 hour run yesterday.  I was testing myself out on a number of different things that had been aggravated by the twinge in my back.  The good news, the twinge was minimal on things like deadlifts, bench press, seated shoulder press, all things I have not done in over a month.  I will be glad to get back into form at the gym.

Still underperforming at work though, and unmoved to do better.

Also, I think this sounds the right note on Valentine's Day.  The last time I was in a relationship of any description on Valentine's Day was in 2006.  At the moment I simultaneously feel happy with being single, and unconvinced that I have much to offer on this front.
luckycanuck: (Default)

I'm within 7km of making the 200km I planned on.   will be glad once this is over.  It has been good to do a lot of rowing and I have gotten better at it, but rowing every day and putting aside everything else is not so good.  Tomorrow's row will put me over the top, possibly before work.

I get the feeling that today there has been (and possibly there is currently) a lot of sex in my house.  None of it by me, but the guys that two of the girls are seeing have both been here.  One of them told me there was some pre-Christmas "sweet lovin'" and one of them is currently in her room with her guy.  I wonder if both of them get seriously involved whether this is going to mean a change of dynamic in the house.  We've all been quite inwardly focussed, but that may not be as likely if people have a lot more to focus on outside of the house.

As for me, I'm still single after nearly three years if you don't count a phase of being jerked around a bit last year.  I''ve either been very picky or simply disinterested in relationships, or both.  I'm very comfortable around girls, I think I've established that fact for myself plenty of times, but I've gotten rather unaccustomed to talking to girls in that way.

I'm trying to decide where I will attend church on Christmas Eve this year.  It is a custom that I haven't missed since 2000 when I was in Korea and church in a language I understood was wildly impractical.

I always wince a bit when I hear people talk about "the true meaning of Christmas" as being together with family and friends.  Of course, that is a good way to spend Christmas given that most people have time off around this time of year, but that's not actually what Christmas is about.  I am about to have my second consecutive Christmas away from my family.  Family traditions seem to be of less and less importance every year, and as a result, I tend to attach more theological importance to Christmas.  It is, for me, primarily a religious holiday celebrating the incarnation of God amongst us.

At any rate, I've either been in Sydney or Canada (or Dapto in 2007) for Christmas Eve in previous years, but I've never had Christmas Eve in Canberra, so maybe I will go to the same church where I was confirmed three and a half years ago.

Speaking of Christmas, and if that theological rant didn't interest you...

HO HO HO! I'm Santa Claus and I approved this message.
luckycanuck: (Default)

One thing that happens when you meet old friends whom you've not seen in a long time is that they make observations about you that can surprise you.

Observations made in the last day...

Read more... )
luckycanuck: (Mr Lazy)

I've been having a quieter time recently.

Read more... )
luckycanuck: (Default)

Last night I went out to a bar with some friends (including Mitzi) whom I hadn't seen for a while and came home with a girl, which was very much not my plan.

One particular girl seemed to take a liking to me (Mitzi informed me that she had "checked me out" when my back was turned) and she informed me that she was looking to get involved in a serious relationship.  I don't think my eyes would have registered "panic" exactly but a serious relationship with a girl I just met in a bar and know virtually nothing about is REALLY not on the cards.

Later on in the evening I was about ready to go.  Her friends had to clear off early, she was really quite tipsy, and I thought it would be appropriate to give her a lift home.  I had to help her into my car and she dozed off a bit on the way but we eventually made it.  It wasn't until we arrived that she noticed that she had left her bag with her keys and money and phone and everything somewhere, but she couldn't recall where.  This meant she had no way of getting inside on account of nobody else being home and no way of contacting friends she could stay with.  She was also not making much sense and seemed to be forgetting what was happening.

We returned to the bar and I looked around for every big black bag that was in the place but she didn't recognize any of them.  So, bereft of options, I took her to my place.  It was that or a drunk girl was going to sleep in the street.

The first girl to sleep in my bed at the current Chez Canuck.  How romantic eh?

Nothing happened (a fact which she clarified with me this morning) and I managed to get her home in time to meet a locksmith friend who was able to get her in.  I'm not sure of the status of the epic lost bag saga of 2010 or whether or not she made it to the Bodybalance class she had to teach this morning.  I couldn't just leave her with nothing and I would have felt horrifically guilty if something had happened, but at this point, it's no longer my problem.

YW: Run to the gym, AMRAP 10 minutes - 10 thrusters, 10 kettlebell swings, 10 pullups.  Then 1 dynamic pushup and 1 bosu situp for every repetition short of 300.  I made 6 rounds and the thrusters and 6 kb swings, which meant 196 total, which meant 104 pushups and situps.  Then run home.

TW: Practicing a few new things including toes to bar and overhead squats and handstand pushups done awkwardly and without help.  Then 5 100kg deadlifts and 5 wide grip pullups - 10 rounds.  Then row 400m and 20 bicep curls - 5 rounds.

Now it's nap time.  I didn't get all that much sleep last night.  (We cleared out pretty early so I could avoid marching her past a house full of housemates and houseguests, but one person found out and now everyone knows.  Nobody thinks any less of me, and I was quite keen that people not think of me as the kind of guy who brings random drunk chicks home at 1:30am.)

I've got to rest up for Oktoberfest debauchery.
luckycanuck: (Mr Strong)

I made it back from Sydney fine, after having lunch with an ex girlfriend.  I have positive memories of her overall but I was reminded that she had moments of being quite objectionable.  I mentioned how I did the Kokoda Track last year in Papua New Guinea and her immediate reaction was to decry it as the sort of theing she would never do because it was full of bogans and what not.  Now I sympathise with that criticism and there is a lot of truth to it, but I wasn't all that pleased that her immediate reaction was to pour scorn on something I had done.

I also picked up some special coffee for Coffee Snob according to her precise instructions, and it made my car smell like coffee all the way home.  [livejournal.com profile] minxyminou  agreed that it made for a nice smelling drive home to her pad where I was greeting by a hysterically delighted Dora who got very shouty and jumpy when I came in.  I had the chance to sample some of the coffee I had picked up and it was very good (though posh coffee is somewhat wasted on me.)

Today was my rostered day in the office.  I took some school visits but overall it was a fairly quiet day.  I did find out, however, that in the post election period, technically everyone's position is terminated, then people are signed on again.  I don't expect anyone in our office is going to be unemployed in any real sense.  W will carry on in his position, but if that changed, given the length I have been in my current position I would be entitled to 8 weeks pay.  Apparently after previous elections some people took payouts (sometimes amounting to substantial sums of money) before being rehired the next day.  That rort has been closed down.  Now you would have to find work elsewhere.  To be honest, I really don't understand all the rules under which I am employed.  I just go in, do my work, and they pay me.

TW: Inspired by [livejournal.com profile] yurusumaji  I attempted the USAF PT Exam hoping to score 100%.

62 Pushups in 1 minute - I did 71.
62 Situps in 1 minute - I did 58.  DAMN YOU LAST FOUR SITUPS!!!
Run 1.5 miles (2.4km) in 9:30 - I did 9:21
Waist 32 inches or less - 32 inches

So I came up just short on situps, but I'm pretty sure I can do 62 in 1 minute.  Another goal.

Then it was 150 shoulder presses (30kg) with 10 bench jumps every time I put the bar down.  I managed it in 6 sets.


luckycanuck: (Default)

YW: 50 shoulder press to start. 30 bosu situps, 20 marine pushups, 10 pullups - 5 rounds. Row 400m, 10 burpees - 5 rounds.

Also I went to the beach.

Afterwards I had a $5 steak which was alarmingly good, and then met a friend at a Spanish bar in Surry Hills where sangria was had (well she had a lot more than I did.)  There were more pretentious people there than I was comfortable with but my Cuban friend from New York had plenty of advice on her town and my exposure to affluent hipster wankery was limited.

This afternoon I will be heading back to Canberra to actually do some work, but not before having lunch with an ex of mine.  I'm looking forward to it.  (I do seem to get along unusually well with exes.)


luckycanuck: (Default)


YW: From Crossfit: 25 dynamic pushups, 5 dumbbell swings, then 20-10, 15-15, 10-20, 5-25.  Then row 400 metres and 40 bicep curls, 5 rounds.  Awesome.

TW: A leg centric day.  200 leg presses 20 at a time and holding in a stress position for a 20 count.  100 calf extensions.  100 openers and 100 closers, with 10 burpees every time I stopped.  50 deadlifts at 90kg.  50 box jumps with 10kg medicine ball.  And a huge endorphin hit such that you could probably have cut my foot off without me noticing.  I actually got quite sleepy.

Another Bill was introduced to Parliament today which I am handling.  The Minister for Transport gave me a little sales pitch on why raising the excise on aviation fuel by 25% is a good idea.  It's been a good week and I feel like I am going places.

I was looking through pictures of an ex girlfriend's trip to America (I've always gotten on fairly well with exes) and seeing her travels made me miss her.  I've been single for well over two years now, and though it took me some time to get used to the split I have done so.  But when looking through some e-mails we exchanged in a rough patch I felt a combination of nostalgia and regret.  She really loved me, but everything about our relationship seemed to be a struggle.  Some of it was always going to be a struggle (like me considering the priesthood and her being an atheist) and some things were handled badly (like me still being friends with a previous ex.)  I've felt regret over this less and less and in fact I haven't felt regret for quite some time.  But I've felt it recently.

Cut for pic of my secret girlfriend. )




luckycanuck: (madmen)

One week ago: I found out I couldn't go to Bingham and felt very stabby about work.

Today: I probably still can't go to Bingham, but I am taking an active role in improving my work situation.  I plan to apply for a job tomorrow and will give the Convicts network the word that I am looking for work.  The week in the office has been pretty good too.

One week ago: I lost my watch.  I love my watch.  It's a nice watch by anyone's standard, and it was a gift from someone who cared about me (and who knew me well enough to realise that I would never buy this watch for myself) so it has sentimental value that I can't replace.  I felt guilty for misplacing it in the shower at work.

Today:  Rejoice!  For this watch was lost and has been found!

The tail end of Lent was a bit of a low point (appropriately) but I seem to have been resurrected (appropriately.)

I also declined a place to live that is literally a stone's throw form the gym and an easy run/walk to work.  I wasn't adequately confident about the people who lived there (one of whom hadnt even moved in yet) and given my capacity to be careful I will hold off.  Another more suitable place may be looming.  Or maybe I'm more of a snob than I thought.  Maybe both are true.

I will be watching the British election closely.  Five years ago today I was in London trying to defeat a Government.  This time it looks likely to happen.  I still have some friends there would will be hard at it for the next month.  Odd that I feel more interested in an election halfway around the world than the impending election in my own backyard.

TW: 3 Rounds of - 60 Leg Presses, Row 50 calories, 40 situps, 30 pushups, 20 dumbbell swings, 10 pullups.  Then 50-40-30-20-10 of incline press with increasing weight on the shorter sets.  Then a run home.

And in closing, may I present the following short film, which is likely to be of interest primarily to Australians, especially [livejournal.com profile] minxyminou 


luckycanuck: (madmen)
I'm going to spend the day driving bridesmaids around Canberra.  I've been told they are good looking, and if they aren't well you can forget about it.  I won't be lied to.  I was promised good looking bridesmaids, and good looking bridesmaids I shall have!

Renaissance Priest is getting married.  He and I went through the vocations process together, and he is on course for ordination.  I think he fits well into the priest role and for that matter into the married role.

I spent years assuming I fit the married role and in fact trying to fit myself into the married role, but it never came naturally to me.  Even when I was engaged it wasn't natural.

Overall I think marriage is a wonderful thing.  People close to me (like my parents who have been married since 1974) have given me a pretty good impression of the institution.  But over the past couple of years I have come to wonder if it fits me.

Trying to find a role has been tough.  I spent years trying to do it but after 32 years of looking I still haven't found one.  Career roles, personal roles, the question of identity still remains unanswered.

Enough.  I'm off to pick up my BMW.
luckycanuck: (Default)
Ma Cherie Zoologiste is still very "Cherie", and the animals on her dashboard haven't gone anywhere so she is still a "Zoologiste", but the "Ma" part is no longer strictly speaking accurate. (You can look up the meaning of the individual words here.)

Our casual relationship ended on Sunday. Even though it was a relaxed relationship that I didn't expect to develop into something serious, there were still things I wanted that she wasn't in a position to give me, and she felt bad about continuing things when she knew couldn't meet my expectations. Maybe she knew this right from the beginning, maybe it only dawned on her recently.

I've gone through quite an emotional trajectory over the past 48 hours. I was angry on Sunday evening and Monday morning, but by Monday evening the anger was gone and was replaced by angst.

By this morning the angst was pretty much gone. I expect that by tomorrow I will be back to leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Now where did I leave my Superman underpants?

I did channel the anger and all the shakiness into a session at the gym though. Earlier in the day I felt the need to hit something. I actually said to one of my co-workers "someone is gonna get stabbed" when harassed by various timewasters (which is very much out of character for me) and I actually had the shakes on a couple of occasions. Blowing off some steam was something I had to do.

And so I took on the challenge of bench pressing more than I have ever done. I got three reps done at 110kg, and I think I was making growling noises during my exertions. I also had a crack at the 100 pushup challenge immediately after this, but could only make it to 60 non stop. One day I'll try again to do 100 right at the start of the workout.

YW: 50 bench presses. 100 pushups, 100 tricep extensions, 2 sets of arm killers (10 reps each of five exercises on the arms)

And today I played touch rugby. When I got back to my office I was right as rain. Physical exertion and a scrape on my backside make all the hurty stuff go away. Well, that and a thaw in relations with MCZ.
luckycanuck: (Default)
Ma Cherie Zoologiste and I had a long chat last night.

She has been a bit stressed and angsty in part because of an exam she had on Monday and in part because she wasn't sure we were on the same page.  She doesn't want to get into something serious and long term with me

The place she is in vis a vis relationships right now is not one conducive to a long term relationship intended to develop as time goes by, and she wanted to be fair to me.  Was I expecting something from her more than she is able to give?  Was I planning a future with her that is contrived and artificial?  These are questions that seemed to be vexing her.  Luckily, on both counts, the answer is no.

If she had come across me a few years ago I would have answered yes to both questions.  (Well, I would have if I was being honest which may or may not have been the case.)

I'm seeing her again on Friday for dinner and then going to a party with some mutual friends.  If we hadn't had yesterday's conversation the angst would have been hanging heavily in the air, but I think we have cleared the air instead.  The fact that we live in different cities acts as a convenient damper on things and gives us some breathing space.

So I am seeing her, but neither of us are expecting it to develop into anything more.  That's not to say there are no expectations.  (Can you have a relationship without expectations?)  I expect her to value me, to refrain from playing headgames, and to return the sense of care and affection that I have for her.  I can't ask someone to feel something for me that isn't there, and I'm not looking to contrive a long term relationship, something I spent a very long time doing.

What we have now is enough.  If ever it's not enough for either of us, then we will have to have another talk.

TW: 20 inversions (in chin up position, but instead inverting your body so your feet go over your head), 30 chin ups, 150 bicep curls, 100 dead lifts from waist to neck, 100 seated rows.

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luckycanuck

June 2012

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