Is it more than a phase?
Feb. 1st, 2011 06:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luckycanuckMy friend Lectio commented on my recent sense of detachment by mentioning the possibility that I am depressed. I hadn't considered it at all, but I wonder if there might be something to it.
I've been feeling irritable and unmotivated for around a month and a half, not all the time but in more environments than I normally do. In that time I have accomplished very little at work (without anyone noticing) and have loathed anyone coming into my space there, I have been disinterested in contact with anyone who doesn't already know and understand me, I haven't been out much, and I've frequently felt like everyday is just another day of nothing happening. None of this necessarily translates into actual depression, but it's not going away and I can't think of any way to make it go away. I'm not having problems sleeping, I've not been using drugs or alcohol to get through the days, I'm getting exercise like I normally do, I'm certainly not on the brink of self harm, and I haven't spent a whole day in bed during this period. Still, there is this nagging sense that I may as well not be here.
On top of that, every option for my future seems to be cloaked in negatives. Staying at my current job means more of the same. Getting a new job means a whole slate of new people to piss me off. Cutting myself off from new people means I can't expand my circle of friends, but being socially active means potentially exhausting mental work. The sort of things that people my age generally get into, marriages, families, mortgages, are huge obligations that I feel as though I can't handle, especially when I am getting frustrated by a life that is objectively pretty soft.
And that leads to feelings of guilt. Who am I to be depressed. I've got a job that pays me more than I need, I have got friends who care about me, I'm healthy, I've really got very little to complain about and I can't rationalise why I am in such a bad mood all the time. I haven't told my parents, mostly because I can't explain it. (On another note, I feel more and more detached from my family. I'll be happy to have them on my support crew for my run, but overall I have very little interest in them being here. Again, there is a reason I have chosen to live on a different continent from them.)
I've got some friends who have experience with actual long term depression, and I don't think that is what is happening to me. At the same time, I can't just say it's a passing phase, because it's not passing.
My parents flew in on Friday and I spent the weekend in Collaroy but to be honest, I think I would rather have been in Canberra on my own. They are travelling this time with a guy who grew up with my mum. He's 50, but has the mind of an 8 year old on accout of being deprived of oxygen at birth. He's not doing anything bad, but I find him annoying to the point where all of my answers are monosyllabic and I can't make eye contact. I suspect that my current state of mind might be making this worse. I wonder if they will ever travel to Australia on their own without bringing someone who makes me want to avoid them.
There is a state election coming up in March, and I hope I will be staying in Canberra and periodically working on the campaign across the border in Queanbeyan. If I get sent off to Tamworth or Dubbo or Port Macquarie I think I will be dangerously close to snapping and doing something stupid.
I am now resting in preparation of my run. My support crew is taking shape but some people who have expressed interest in helping are not committing. I know I can be alone for parts of the run, but it would be nice to have people for the tough hours. Also, I'm hoping to get photos of every hour and someone will have to be on hand to take them.
Off to trivia now. I'm not sure how this will turn out.
I've been feeling irritable and unmotivated for around a month and a half, not all the time but in more environments than I normally do. In that time I have accomplished very little at work (without anyone noticing) and have loathed anyone coming into my space there, I have been disinterested in contact with anyone who doesn't already know and understand me, I haven't been out much, and I've frequently felt like everyday is just another day of nothing happening. None of this necessarily translates into actual depression, but it's not going away and I can't think of any way to make it go away. I'm not having problems sleeping, I've not been using drugs or alcohol to get through the days, I'm getting exercise like I normally do, I'm certainly not on the brink of self harm, and I haven't spent a whole day in bed during this period. Still, there is this nagging sense that I may as well not be here.
On top of that, every option for my future seems to be cloaked in negatives. Staying at my current job means more of the same. Getting a new job means a whole slate of new people to piss me off. Cutting myself off from new people means I can't expand my circle of friends, but being socially active means potentially exhausting mental work. The sort of things that people my age generally get into, marriages, families, mortgages, are huge obligations that I feel as though I can't handle, especially when I am getting frustrated by a life that is objectively pretty soft.
And that leads to feelings of guilt. Who am I to be depressed. I've got a job that pays me more than I need, I have got friends who care about me, I'm healthy, I've really got very little to complain about and I can't rationalise why I am in such a bad mood all the time. I haven't told my parents, mostly because I can't explain it. (On another note, I feel more and more detached from my family. I'll be happy to have them on my support crew for my run, but overall I have very little interest in them being here. Again, there is a reason I have chosen to live on a different continent from them.)
I've got some friends who have experience with actual long term depression, and I don't think that is what is happening to me. At the same time, I can't just say it's a passing phase, because it's not passing.
My parents flew in on Friday and I spent the weekend in Collaroy but to be honest, I think I would rather have been in Canberra on my own. They are travelling this time with a guy who grew up with my mum. He's 50, but has the mind of an 8 year old on accout of being deprived of oxygen at birth. He's not doing anything bad, but I find him annoying to the point where all of my answers are monosyllabic and I can't make eye contact. I suspect that my current state of mind might be making this worse. I wonder if they will ever travel to Australia on their own without bringing someone who makes me want to avoid them.
There is a state election coming up in March, and I hope I will be staying in Canberra and periodically working on the campaign across the border in Queanbeyan. If I get sent off to Tamworth or Dubbo or Port Macquarie I think I will be dangerously close to snapping and doing something stupid.
I am now resting in preparation of my run. My support crew is taking shape but some people who have expressed interest in helping are not committing. I know I can be alone for parts of the run, but it would be nice to have people for the tough hours. Also, I'm hoping to get photos of every hour and someone will have to be on hand to take them.
Off to trivia now. I'm not sure how this will turn out.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: Heather
Date: 2011-02-03 06:57 am (UTC)Yes it would be good to rule things out if nothing else, but I've never faced anything like this and it is totally new territory for me. My usual reluctance to seek medical attention is compounded by the fact that there isn't something clearly wrong like a broken leg or a gaping wound.
Ironically I am in the midst of raising funds for a depression charity, and at the same time I am acting as though I attach a stigma to depression.
Heather
Date: 2011-02-04 03:19 am (UTC)