luckycanuck: (Mr Happy)
I've been feeling rather odd recently, like I've not felt for quite a while.

There is a distinct possibility, and I want to be absolutely clear that this is not in any way a sure thing, that I might, possibly, in some way, be... happy.

Is that the right word?  Is that a word at all?

Let me go back a bit.

Read more... )

Things have been going quite well recently, and I know that I can't always count on that being the case.  Circumstance won't always be my friend, and I think the gloom is still around and may return in force in the future, but for now it doesn't matter.  The trick will be figuring out how to ensure that remains the case.

luckycanuck: (Default)
It has been an active few days.

Plenty of workouts, including one where I surprised myself by cleaning more than my bodyweight.  I failed at my first attempt but made the second and felt very proud of myself.  I've also had lots of fun with the tire at Deakin (which belongs to a trainer who has no objections to me using it if he's not around.)
Pics )

So I've had plenty of physical fun.  I took Coffee Snob through a workout I devised for her, and she said to me "you make me work harder than I want to, but I have to work out harder than I want to."  Praise indeed.

I also went to a harp concert featuring Ginger Harpist.

Pics )

Because I'm all cultured like that.  She learned me a few things about the harp the next day.

I had a job interview that went very well.  It would be doing media work in the Department of Health and it would be one step removed from the Minister's office.  There was a little bit of concern about my partisan past, but I'm professional enough to be able to put my personal feelings about the Minister aside (I don't like her at all) and do the job.  It would be a three month job, possibly longer, and it sounds quite interesting.  Oh yes, and the first question they asked was about wife carrying, which I mention on my resume.

I've also traded a bit.  Generally I keep an eye on the market for the first half hour and the last ten minutes or so in addition to checking in periodically during the day, rather than watching like a hawk all the time. I can still pay attention without letting it get in the way of everything else.

I'm up in Sydney now, but I forgot to bring appropriate clothes for looking for work so I may have to pick something up before heading into the city today talk to a couple of agencies.  I've also got a funeral to go to.  The team doctor for the Convicts and partner of one of our players died and it would be good to go.

Last night I had a beer with an ex-girlfriend.  With Jem, things were often tumultuous.  I really loved her and I still do (though I didn't say it this time.)  I hadn't seen her in quite a while but we had a good chat.  I told her about me being depressed, and her reaction was "isn't is great?"  I may have been told at some point, but somehow it never struck me that she had been struggling with depression since before we met.  That might explain some of the difficulty we had, especially when you add in the stresses and aspieness that I brought to the table.  What we had was wonderful at times, but it was also exhausting at times.  Part of me that still remembers the good things between up still wishes we could have it back, but we can't.

Tonight I'm having a beer with another ex-girlfriend.  It's lucky for me that I get along with exes.  The only one about which I have any negative memories is Ma Cherie Zoologiste (and I'm not sure she was actually a girlfriend.)

So the last few days have been pretty good actually, given that I've kept myself busy.

MCZ Visits

Feb. 8th, 2010 11:31 pm
luckycanuck: (Default)
Ma Cherie Zoologiste happened to be around my office today.  I miss having her to talk to, and it was nice to have a visitor.

I can't really explain why I avoided contacting her, but I'm often not all that great at anticipating reactions.  There's really no reason it should have been awkward but it was going to take some time before I believed it.  So now I've established to my satisfaction that it won't be awkward.

TW: 20 pushups, 1 jack knife... 1 pushup, 20 jack knives
luckycanuck: (Default)
Up early for church again at St John's Dee Why, and found myself sitting next to "sings off key and recites the creed out of time in a very loud voice man". There was a woman there who was celebrating her 90th birthday next week. If my mum were a regular in this parish, she would probably arrange the whole celebration. Mum is like that. I'm not. I'm not sure that I'm willing to make sacrifices to take care of people I don't find interesting. And that's another reason I probably shouldn't become a priest.

More helping MCZ move. This time I was clearing stuff out of her mum's garage before the removalists came, which reminded me of clearing stuff out of the garage in Collaroy. They even had a kayak. A coffee from the cafe down the street and I'm good. Yes I work cheap.

No gym today or at all on the weekend. Moving work was the only workout I got. Tomorrow.
luckycanuck: (Default)
My grandfather lived through the depression, and perhaps as such he was loath to throw anything away.

On Sunday we spent the day clearing scrap metal and bits of timber and assorted old stuff out of the garages in Collaroy.

Seats to a 1920's era Ford that have been half eaten away by moths? We have.

Two steering wheels (his and hers?) for a 1932 Morris? We have.

Dust? We have.

A kayak my uncle made by hand in 1953? We have.

We never would have been able to throw any of it away whilst granddad was alive, but out it went.



We filled the whole carport with assorted things that he thought would be useful oneday. The next day they hired a ute and hauled it to the tip. Though if you are interested in the kayak contact my uncle. They've kept that.

This week has been busy with work. Letters are pouring in from all manner of cranks and I'm getting much stricter on who gets a response.

Today there was a Christmas party for the Coalition staff complete with excellent canapes and the mango daquiris provided by Senator Scullion, who hauled 70kg of mangos down from the Northern Territory for the occasion. I had to break away at about 9pm to visit a friend for her birthday, but I returned and will shortly go on to appear briefly at the after party. Political types tend to get a bit loopy on Wednesdays of sitting weeks at times.

Tomorrow I'm getting up early to play soccer at 6:45... for Australia. Sort of. The federal parliament is playing the Italian embassy. Is there time for me to practice diving and rolling around in agony?

P.S. MCZ and I have reached a further rapprochement. We spoke last night and whatever enmity there may have been is long gone. I'm lucky I guess that splits never seem to be acrimonious for me.
luckycanuck: (Default)
Ma Cherie Zoologiste is still very "Cherie", and the animals on her dashboard haven't gone anywhere so she is still a "Zoologiste", but the "Ma" part is no longer strictly speaking accurate. (You can look up the meaning of the individual words here.)

Our casual relationship ended on Sunday. Even though it was a relaxed relationship that I didn't expect to develop into something serious, there were still things I wanted that she wasn't in a position to give me, and she felt bad about continuing things when she knew couldn't meet my expectations. Maybe she knew this right from the beginning, maybe it only dawned on her recently.

I've gone through quite an emotional trajectory over the past 48 hours. I was angry on Sunday evening and Monday morning, but by Monday evening the anger was gone and was replaced by angst.

By this morning the angst was pretty much gone. I expect that by tomorrow I will be back to leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Now where did I leave my Superman underpants?

I did channel the anger and all the shakiness into a session at the gym though. Earlier in the day I felt the need to hit something. I actually said to one of my co-workers "someone is gonna get stabbed" when harassed by various timewasters (which is very much out of character for me) and I actually had the shakes on a couple of occasions. Blowing off some steam was something I had to do.

And so I took on the challenge of bench pressing more than I have ever done. I got three reps done at 110kg, and I think I was making growling noises during my exertions. I also had a crack at the 100 pushup challenge immediately after this, but could only make it to 60 non stop. One day I'll try again to do 100 right at the start of the workout.

YW: 50 bench presses. 100 pushups, 100 tricep extensions, 2 sets of arm killers (10 reps each of five exercises on the arms)

And today I played touch rugby. When I got back to my office I was right as rain. Physical exertion and a scrape on my backside make all the hurty stuff go away. Well, that and a thaw in relations with MCZ.
luckycanuck: (Default)
Friday afternoon I drove up to Sydney after work and made it to a nice Italian place in Haberfield after Ma Cherie Zoologiste, CG, CG's "Houseguest" and a few others had ordered. Lucky I ate on the way up. I wouldn't have made it otherwise. Still, I was goaded into eating half of MCZ's tagliatelle.

Then it was off to the party where fun was had. MCZ and I didn't spend a lot of time together there and I spent most of my time talking to some of our mutual friends and meeting a few others including our hosts whom I had heard about plenty of times but never really spoken to. One girl there told me how her old school Italian grandmother gave her the birds and the bees talk that started by her being given a bowl of pasta. After one bite granny took it away and said "Once you let one man taste your pasta, no other man gonna wanna taste your pasta. More cheese?"

We made it back to MCZ's place where we didn't last long before turning in. I wouldn't have minded staying a bit longer but we were having an early start in the morning.

Early in the morning we were up ot Balmoral for brunch with dad. Eggs Benedict was consumed, a walk on the beach was had, and approvals were approved. I think MCZ is the type who is pretty easy to approve of, although she did point out that whilst my neuroses are pretty simple and relatively straightforward, hers are hidden. An odd thing to say perhaps? Dad knows a bit about our arrangement (i.e. the lack of expectation that it will progress to something long term) and only once mentioned her visiting Canada, and even that was done in an abstract rather than a specific way. Once mum invited a girl I was seeing fairly casually to Canada for Christmas a few months later. GAHHHHHHH! SHe remarked later on how uncomfortable that made her feel. It's probably best that mum wasn't there. Dad can generally be counted on not to get into anything personal. Mum will probably meet MCZ when she comes out in December/January but by then MCZ and I might be more accustomed to our arrangement. I don't think either of them really know the nuts and bolts of what we have or that they really understand the concept of being in a relationship you don't expect to develop, but then again, this concept is pretty new to me too.

Today's workout was a longer than average swim. I'm still mulling over whether or not I want to do the Bondi to Bronte swim in December. I've done a shorter ocean swim and finished late but without any drama. I may be better off waiting until such time as I can actually train. Last time I did a long distance ocean swim I lived in Sydney and had regular access to the beach. There will be plenty of people around at the event to take care of me and if I can take the time I still think I should be ok. Can I swim at least 40 lengths of an olympic pool without stopping? If I have enough time I think the answer is yes.

Also I found some old photos of the family. They might make an appearance in the near future. This place is like a museum!
luckycanuck: (Default)
Ma Cherie Zoologiste and I had a long chat last night.

She has been a bit stressed and angsty in part because of an exam she had on Monday and in part because she wasn't sure we were on the same page.  She doesn't want to get into something serious and long term with me

The place she is in vis a vis relationships right now is not one conducive to a long term relationship intended to develop as time goes by, and she wanted to be fair to me.  Was I expecting something from her more than she is able to give?  Was I planning a future with her that is contrived and artificial?  These are questions that seemed to be vexing her.  Luckily, on both counts, the answer is no.

If she had come across me a few years ago I would have answered yes to both questions.  (Well, I would have if I was being honest which may or may not have been the case.)

I'm seeing her again on Friday for dinner and then going to a party with some mutual friends.  If we hadn't had yesterday's conversation the angst would have been hanging heavily in the air, but I think we have cleared the air instead.  The fact that we live in different cities acts as a convenient damper on things and gives us some breathing space.

So I am seeing her, but neither of us are expecting it to develop into anything more.  That's not to say there are no expectations.  (Can you have a relationship without expectations?)  I expect her to value me, to refrain from playing headgames, and to return the sense of care and affection that I have for her.  I can't ask someone to feel something for me that isn't there, and I'm not looking to contrive a long term relationship, something I spent a very long time doing.

What we have now is enough.  If ever it's not enough for either of us, then we will have to have another talk.

TW: 20 inversions (in chin up position, but instead inverting your body so your feet go over your head), 30 chin ups, 150 bicep curls, 100 dead lifts from waist to neck, 100 seated rows.

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luckycanuck

June 2012

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