Is it more than a phase?

[luckycanuck]

My friend Lectio commented on my recent sense of detachment by mentioning the possibility that I am depressed.  I hadn't considered it at all, but I wonder if there might be something to it.

I've been feeling irritable and unmotivated for around a month and a half, not all the time but in more environments than I normally do.  In that time I have accomplished very little at work (without anyone noticing) and have loathed anyone coming into my space there, I have been disinterested in contact with anyone who doesn't already know and understand me, I haven't been out much, and I've frequently felt like everyday is just another day of nothing happening.  None of this necessarily translates into actual depression, but it's not going away and I can't think of any way to make it go away.  I'm not having problems sleeping, I've not been using drugs or alcohol to get through the days, I'm getting exercise like I normally do, I'm certainly not on the brink of self harm, and I haven't spent a whole day in bed during this period.  Still, there is this nagging sense that I may as well not be here.

On top of that, every option for my future seems to be cloaked in negatives.  Staying at my current job means more of the same.  Getting a new job means a whole slate of new people to piss me off.  Cutting myself off from new people means I can't expand my circle of friends, but being socially active means potentially exhausting mental work.  The sort of things that people my age generally get into, marriages, families, mortgages, are huge obligations that I feel as though I can't handle, especially when I am getting frustrated by a life that is objectively pretty soft.

And that leads to feelings of guilt.  Who am I to be depressed.  I've got a job that pays me more than I need, I have got friends who care about me, I'm healthy, I've really got very little to complain about and I can't rationalise why I am in such a bad mood all the time.  I haven't told my parents, mostly because I can't explain it.  (On another note, I feel more and more detached from my family.  I'll be happy to have them on my support crew for my run, but overall I have very little interest in them being here.  Again, there is a reason I have chosen to live on a different continent from them.)

I've got some friends who have experience with actual long term depression, and I don't think that is what is happening to me.  At the same time, I can't just say it's a passing phase, because it's not passing.

My parents flew in on Friday and I spent the weekend in Collaroy but to be honest, I think I would rather have been in Canberra on my own.  They are travelling this time with a guy who grew up with my mum.  He's 50, but has the mind of an 8 year old on accout of being deprived of oxygen at birth.  He's not doing anything bad, but I find him annoying to the point where all of my answers are monosyllabic and I can't make eye contact.  I suspect that my current state of mind might be making this worse.  I wonder if they will ever travel to Australia on their own without bringing someone who makes me want to avoid them.

There is a state election coming up in March, and I hope I will be staying in Canberra and periodically working on the campaign across the border in Queanbeyan.  If I get sent off to Tamworth or Dubbo or Port Macquarie I think I will be dangerously close to snapping and doing something stupid.

I am now resting in preparation of my run.  My support crew is taking shape but some people who have expressed interest in helping are not committing.  I know I can be alone for parts of the run, but it would be nice to have people for the tough hours.  Also, I'm hoping to get photos of every hour and someone will have to be on hand to take them.

Off to trivia now.  I'm not sure how this will turn out.

Comments

[yurusumaji.livejournal.com]

You can see a doctor and have a test done. They'll likely have some options for you to try out based on your score.

Just because you don't match all the signs of depression does not mean you are not depressed. Depression will manifest in everyone differently due to different lifestyles, circumstances, responsibilities, etc. You seem concerned and if you're concerned, I'd look into it more and see if you can find some answers. Once you locate the problem, you can start seeking a solution.

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

Most of the physical symptoms aren't there. It's mostly just being crabby and tired of people. I'm going to keep looking into it.

[bakerypenguin.livejournal.com]

It certainly sounds like a form of depression to me. I don't know if it helps to know this or not, but I used to have frequent bouts of intense guilt that I a) had depression when I essentially had a pretty damn good set of circumstances and b) I couldn't fix it by just wanting to get better. I still feel like that sometimes - what do I have to be depressed about? But depression is a chemical imbalance - I don't get to control where and how it comes about.

When I feel as you feel now - when I notice the pattern, and I notice that my responses are out of proportion to the circumstances - I know it's time for me to see the doctor. Please, consider doing this. You don't have to be suicidal to be depressed, but if it's not managed, you can find yourself doing stupid things like stepping off a curb in front of a bus (without consciously meaning to) because it doesn't occur to you that you shouldn't.

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

Ehhhhhhhhhh... I'm not sold on the doctor. Of course, I rarely am. I don't know what I would say, and I'm really not keen on being prescribed pills. I mean, what else are they able to do? On top of that, my doctor couldn't pick me out of a line up and knows very little about me personally. You know a lot more about me than any medical professional.

I am going to try to keep an eye on things so there is no getting hit by buses.

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

I go through periods like that. I have been on medication for depression before, I can't say I recommend it.

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

I don't like medication for anything if I can avoid it, and I REALLY don't like medication for depression.

[vieirra.livejournal.com]

Im pretty sure Im depressed... chin up, or something...

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

chin up, or something...

About the best advice there is.

Get help, Mitzi mentions

[(Anonymous)]

It's good that you're think about your state of mind and recognising that you'd like to change it. Finding the right psychologist is an important step. Consider the fact that you are basically untreated for Aspyness and realise how far you have come without heaps of medical help, and then give yourself a break. Those people didn't study for 7 years-plus for nothing, but because they are there to help ease the pains of life. Not all psychologists prescribe pills. I think you should get a GP's referral to a good psych who can put you through some useful cognitive-behavioural or talk-therapy. Start asking around for a no-bullshit psych in ACT and see who turns up. I know a few in Sydney. Just don't suffer the way you have been, because there are so many ways out of it. It is also possible to have a happy, fulfilled life without marriage/mortgage, but still be in love or in a relationship. Another useful idea is, don't try to solve everything at once, as thinking about The Future capital F is a strangulating idea. Dreading the future and fatigue are sadly key signs of The Big D; you are so self-sufficient and proud of running your own race around the world, so the What-Now factor has been pressing; think of all the benefits that have come to your friends who can now support you. We would not have got better and looked forward to the future without outside help, be it medical, talk-therapy or more. Be brave, Canuck! You'll know yourself even better once you find a way out of this.

Re: Get help, Mitzi mentions

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

There is a lot of good advice here, and of course I am very happy that I have friends who understand this and who understand me.

I know I will need some convincing on the help front.

Heather

[(Anonymous)]

First off: you can be depressed and still function. Whether you choose to go to a doctor or not is entirely your business. It is. And looking into it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll have to take medication. And if it's suggested...why not? It's not like the very essence of you will disappear. There's no shame to be had in treating what could essentially be a biochemical issue. Treating depression with drugs and therapy is, in my opinion, no different than treating diabetes with insulin.

Secondly: maybe you're not depressed. What if it turns out your thyroid is a little wonky?** That can certainly make you feel off, and we're certainly the right age for things like that to start happening. Things like that are so easy to check, and so easy to take care of.

And thirdly: you've said you're not feeling yourself, and that you're feeling irritable and unhappy. Why not investigate these things on the off chance that something medical might be going on? Because if there is, you could be feeling a lot better really soon. Who are you to be depressed? Who are you not? It can happen to anybody. I never expected to find myself gimpy at thirty-three, but here I am. These things just happen.

The point is that there are things you can do to give yourself quality of life, and you owe it to yourself to check it out. It can be as simple as booking a visit with the doctor and saying 'I'm just not feeling quite right - let me tell you what's going on and you tell me what you think.'

Just think about it. Nobody will force you to the doctor or demand that you start taking drugs. But there are a few things that you could quickly rule out, and then you could decide what - if any - next steps to take. Plus? You're totally worth it. And you deserve to be happy.



** wonky: is that another one of those words that means something completely different in Australian-speak?

Re: Heather

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

A significant part of me doesn't believe it can possibly be a biochemical issue. In fact, it's hard to believe that it could be happening at all. I mean, I'm not even sad.

It's not easy to say what is wrong even here, and I can't imagine what I would say to a doctor. (Cue litany over how I have no right to be depressed.)

I suspect this may be frustrating for those close to me to see me so reluctant to do something about it, but at the moment I don't think I can go to a doctor. Not until I can convince myself that it's not just me being petty.

Heather

[(Anonymous)]

You say this: "I haven't been feeling myself for ___ weeks/months. I have been feeling irritable and angry, and distant, and I have felt withdrawn. I am sleeping well and working full time, but I've recently been travelling across the United States and Canada. I'd like to rule out things like thyroid and things like vitamin deficiencies and electrolytes, as I exercise quite a bit. I don't think I am depressed, but some friends have said that they are concerned."

That's all you have to say. When was the last time you had a checkup, anyways? If it's been more than a year, it's time for routine blood work just the same. You may not even BE depressed, Bill - I mentioned it because you sounded concerned and feeling irritable can be - note I'm saying can be - a sign of depression, and it manifests differently for different people. It may not be that at all. But at least you could get an opinion and then decide what you wanted to do about it, if anything.

If it were me - or any of your friends - talking like this, wouldn't you be suggesting something along these lines? Why would it be good enough for us but not good enough for you?

I'm not frustrated with you. Just concerned.

Re: Heather

[luckycanuck.livejournal.com]

I rarely see a doctor. I only go when there's something wrong that won't get better on it's own. And that sounds pretty much like this.

Yes it would be good to rule things out if nothing else, but I've never faced anything like this and it is totally new territory for me. My usual reluctance to seek medical attention is compounded by the fact that there isn't something clearly wrong like a broken leg or a gaping wound.

Ironically I am in the midst of raising funds for a depression charity, and at the same time I am acting as though I attach a stigma to depression.

Heather

[(Anonymous)]

I don't even play a doctor on tv, so I could be totally wrong. But perhaps it's time to book a checkup. Perfect excuse to go and ask your question without having to feel like you made an appointment just for that reason. Then you don't have to feel like it's the only reason you're there.