luckycanuck | Entries tagged with therapy

I'm doing Black Dog Pushups again tomorrow. This time it will be a target of 2,000 in two hours at lunch time in Garema Place, and there should be some pretty good exposure. I rejigged the media release and sent it to local TV, radio, and the Canberra Times, who are sending a journalist and a photographer to cover the story. I've also been hyping BDP on Twitter and today I was retweeted by two rugby league players, an ABC journo, a comedian, a judge on Australia's Next Top Model, and an Olympic swimmer, which means hundreds of thousands of people have been told about my project. After a good retweet, for an hour there was a surge in people following me. At times it was on the cusp of going viral.

I had a session with my psychologist yesterday and it was the first time there was more positive than negative talk. Plenty of talk about BDP. Excepting some frustration with Coffee Snob and work and one of the agencies, it was all good stuff. And to improve things further, while I was in session the frustrating agency rang and set things in motion to resolve my frustration over being knocked back from the DoHA job. Later, Coffee Snob dropped the Spartan Death Race advocacy, so I'm running out of things to complain about.

I was advised to think in terms of "and" rather than "but". Instead of saying, I have x, y, and z but I don't have a real job, I can say I have x, y, and z and I would also like a real job. I've also started thinking that I've been living with the gloom for a long time. Far longer than this year when I really started to notice it. I've long felt aimless and like I don't quite fit. It's only recently that this started to wear enough on me to make things break down. It could be that the gloom has been with me a long time and will remain with me for a long time, and it just needs to be managed. Much like the Asperger's perhaps.

( Gym, fire, possums, markets and more behind the cut. )

I watched the rugby with

bakerypenguin and her family. It was a low scoring game and it could have gone either way, but in the end I was happy to see the All Blacks win at last. They were a bit shaky on the night and looked like they might choke again, but they did enough to hold on for an 8-7 victory. The title went to the team that was the best in the tournament.

The whole thing was overshadowed by the haka controversy.

This is what happened.

It was a great moment of rugby history, but the IRB has now fined Les Bleus for encroaching on the haka. They stepped over the centre line and that breaks the rules put in place to prevent teams from showing disrespect to the haka,

The thing is, there was no disrespect in this. The ABs weren't offended, but all the same the fine has been levied. I like the haka. I think they should continue to do it, but if one side is going to do a tribal war dance, I see no reason why there should be regulations in place dictating what the other team can and can't do. The IRB shouldn't force the opposition to keep their distance, they shouldn't force them to stand still and watch, and they shouldn't institute rules to protect the pre-match rituals of any team. If you are going to say to the opposition "you must stand still and watch the haka without moving or coming to close or turning around, you are not far off from just playing one national anthem or saying that it is culturally insensitive to score tries against New Zealand. Besides, it is unnecessary. The haka is part of rugby and I don't think it needs protecting as though it was a wee delicate bloom.

I have had a lot of good workout days recently.

TW: 10 tire flips, 20 sledgehammers - 10 rounds. Max pullups, 10 20kg db pushups, 10 burpees - until 150 pullups done. (5 rounds)

YW: Legstravaganza. Leg presses, overhead weighted lunges, burpees, 28kg kb swings. 100 openers in as few sets as possible - 3. 5 80kg deadlifts, 10 bench jumps - 10 rounds.

MonW: 1 minute pushups, 1 minute situps for 30 minutes - 908 pushups, 409 situps.

It has been a while since I've missed a day.

I have been put forward for two jobs in the Department of Communications and I'm still waiting to hear back from the health job from last week.

I also had a meeting with a business advisor and took home plenty of things to read to help me decide if I want to set up a business. The party hq types have reaffirmed that they are interested in my doing some freelance work for them including a lecture for their training day next month.

Today I went back to visit my psychologist. It was good to get back actually, and at the end I came away with a better idea of what all of this is meant to be doing. She pointed out that my recently improved mood is likely related to the fact that I am living more in line with my values. I highlighted a few of them as homework, and having purpose, challenge, adventure, uniqueness, intimacy, trust, and physicality helped. Her advice was to continue moving in the direction of these values, and when I feel myself drifting into gloom, to take some small action consistent with them. SHe also advised me to notice when distractions keep me from living with my values, and to take note of how I feel when this happens. This is the whole "notice and name" part of ACT and the idea of being mindful of what sets me off and what soothes me is key. It's about being aware of when I am doing well and when I'm not, and when I get the gloom, to do something to restore my values if I can. If I can't, then it's notice/name/accept.

The issue of anti-depressants also came up and she agreed with me that in my current state anti-depressants may not be the right thing right now. Her advice, keep going with mindfulness about how I feel and maintaining my values, and in a few months, if I can continue doing that and I still feel gloomy, then re-consider the chemical option.

I heard about the Department of Health job I interviewed for. They eliminated a number of candidates early on but that group didn't include me. Then later I heard that they had gone with someone else.

The good news is that this morning I had another interview for a different job (actually several jobs) in the same Department working on mental health.I turned up six minutes late and was a bit concerned, until I found out that the interviewer had double booked and wound up being 40 minutes late. It was just the two of us in the interview rather than four interviewers like there was last time. It went quite well, and my agency rang later in the day to ask if it was ok for them to pass on the contact details of my references if asked. I reckon there is a very strong chance here, and this job would be for 9-12 months so it would take me all the way past going to the Bingham Cup with the Convicts next year, and into doing Pushups Across America. I apprised them of my situation including the rural fire service and they seemed fine.

Speaking of the fire service, I have still gotten no indication that I have been approved. It has been over two months since I applied and all they had to do was do a criminal background check. I don't think it should be taking this long. I've called plenty of times but nothing seems to move things along. We are into fire season, they are being called out to things, and I have still not gotten any training or even simple approval.

I have a meeting on Monday with a business advisor to try and work out if it is worthwhile for me to start up a business (basically as a sole trader) as a way of organising freelance work in a few areas.

A trainer at my gym told me of a good place to get a qualification in personal training and I will probably be pursuing that in the near future too.

TW: Practice clean squat press 40kg and front squats. Front squats make the back of my head hurt for some reason, and regular squats are awkward on my neck. I must get better with these. AMRAP 15 minutes - 10 cal row, 10 kb swings. 11 rounds + row. Tire - 5 rounds of 4 corners. 12:06.

YW: "Elizabeth" - 21-15-9 60kg cleans, ring dips - 7:25. Officially it is meant to include squat cleans, but I wasn't comfortable with those which is why I practiced them today. Then 2 minutes max pullups (52) 20kg db shoulder press (47).

On Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychologist again. Will see how this goes.

So there has been progress on a few things.

I seem to get tired on the weekends.

I sold a third of my stake in KKT on Friday. It was the first sale I've made in some time. I intend to hold the rest of it but I wanted to realise the gain (it has doubled in three months) and have some more cash on hand as I expect volatility to continue. There may be some other sales next week and with the dividend payments that will be coming in over the next few weeks I should have enough cash on hand to remain flexible and to be able to take advantage of any opportunities that crop up over the next little while. VMG also issued a supplementary prospectus and I will be getting one option for every two shares I hold and will have two years to exercise them. More opportunity.

I took Friday off gym wise and watched some DVDs that Coffee Snob loaned me. A British series about being a political advisor, that reminds me of things that I didn't like about being a political advisor. I spoke to a couple of agencies and will be getting a bit more active in looking for work. There are quite a few options I will be looking at. I know that it's a good idea to "recharge" as some of my friends have said, but having time off doesn't seem to be doing that. I still feel detached, so part of me thinks I might as well feel detached and get paid. I've not been to therapy for a while and I don't feel like I've missed it. I like my psychologist, but I'm not sure what the therapy is meant to be doing.

YW: Tiretiretiretiretiretiretiretiretire! I went to town on the big tractor tire.

5 rounds - 6 tire flips across the room, 20 tire pushups, 6 tire flips back, 10 sledgehammers left and right.
5 rounds - flip to one corner, 10 tire jumps, flip to next corner, 10 tire pushups, flip to next corner, 10 tire situps, flip to next corner, 5 sledgehammers left/right
10 rounds - drag tire 10m, 5 burpees. (Oh man dragging a heavy tire is HARD!)

Then a long sweat in the sauna.

TW: Legs - Squat practice up to 120kg with a towel wrapped around the bar. I'm getting more used to this. Max weight leg presses, max weight openers, max weight closers, overhead squats (I succeeded at 40kg this time) calf extensions. Then another long sweat.

Last night I was at a birthday BBQ where I was a hero for bringing haloumi. I watched a very disappointing Wallabies outfit lose to Ireland and decided that I have had enough of Channel Nine. I am boycotting them until the end of the World Cup. They delayed their broadcast of the game to show the NRL playoffs, refusing to show the Wallabies on another channel. Then when they did show it, they interrupted the game with ads every ten minutes or so. (Something you can't do with a live broadcast.) They padded a two hour broadcast up by half an hour at least. Channel Nine, you are out. This evening I went to the pub to watch the close of Wales v Samoa and enjoyed Canada v France. It was a much better game to watch, and I did ten pushups for every point the Canucks scored, so it was a better workout than the Wallabies game.

We have Roxy's family dog in the backyard, and I just came back in from playing with Smock. We had a real battle of wits going on.

Also, we have upgraded the internet to get ten times the data for a pittance more. Much better.

I've not been posting at all for a week or more, so here is the news.

Internets

The internet has been very slow at our place and I've been relying on my portable wireless network that gets awful reception at Chez Canuck. Two groups of tradies have been here on three days in the past week and now things are working much better. Hooray! You can do wonderful things when you don't have to be at work every day. With one more visit tomorrow we should be up to normal speeds.

Chez Canuck

Helga is leaving. It's sad. I was closer to her than anyone else in the house. She's just moving to a new suburb and we will see her again but this will have a greater impact on me than losing Alleluia. We have managed to find someone to take her room though. I put an ad up and within 15 minutes we had a response. Miss Lara (named for Lara from Dr Zhivago) came by later that evening and we decided on her (after seeing a friend of Esky who woud up taking a place down the street from us.)

The Gym

I've had some pretty good workouts. Today involved doing a total of 173 pullups. Tuesday involved participating in a 500m rowing challenge being staged this week and having the second fastest time of the day by two seconds and being asked if I was a firefighter while playing with sandbags. Sunday involved a "heavy day" with heavy weights and low reps. I managed to bench press more than I ever have and deadlift more than I ever have. (120kg and 150kg respectively.)

The Fireys

I have officially applied to join the ACT Rural Fire Service. If I am approved (and I will be) I will become a member within two or three weeks.

Investing

With my "getting fired" money in my account, I have been picking opportunities in the market. I invested in EKA which is quite similar to AUT in pumping oil in Texas. I also sank some money into Billabong which fell 25% in one day despite announcing a profit, an increase in sales, and a dividend. It fell further but seems to have stabilised. A hoped for quick rebound leading to a sell the next day didn't materialise, but I am standing by to sell if things look right now that the stock seems to be recovering. I put more money into CCV after they announced a record profit but didn't surge. They are going to be partially taken over at a premium shortly and I wanted more of that action. But today it dropped through the floor half an hour before an announcement was made that new proposed government policies might impact their business. There may have been insider trading at work. At any rate, I put more in at a discount, but if I had known what others may have known I may have hesitate earlier in the week. BOW also got a takeover offer which will mean I will almost certainly make a quick profit one way or another. The share price may have been manipulated down to enable a cheaper offer to be made, but the lowball offer may bring out other buyers and bid the price up. I will make a profit on this one, but the prospect of a larger profit is there.

General stuff

I'm getting used to this. This has become my job for the moment and "working" from home has been good. I made everyone dinner on Monday and have been standing in the front room in the sun feeling happy.

Still feeling detached though, and the gloom is still around. Therapy hasn't provided answers yet and I'm not sure if I believe or understand the mindfulness techniques, though I do get along well with my psychologist.

It rained all day yesterday and for most of today too, so my walk to and from the gym left me cold and wet.

YW: "Brad" Named for an American airman who died in January in Afghanistan. 100m row, 10 pullups, 100m row, 10 pushup burpees - 10 rounds. Time: 27:10.

This morning I was up to see a doctor to get cleared to join the rural fire service, and despite them being half an hour behind schedule I got out in time to make it to my appointment to the psychologist. Today dealt with the ACT techniques that were sent to me on a CD. They seemed to aim at letting go of unpleasant feelings and observing them as if you were a curious scientist rather than obsessing on them. Some of the exercises seemed to try to get you almost in a dissociative state (though that's not the right word.) I wasn't sure if this was the right approach for me and I've not cracked how to "observe" negative feelings yet. But the lesson of today was when confronted with those negative thoughts, to do what you can to get rid of them, and when you are powerless to do anything, then you practice mindfulness and you "get present" rather than dwelling on them. I've done some things about my negative thoughts in leaving my job, but I will be faced (and sometimes I am still faced) with negative thoughts that I can't do anything about, and I will have to find ways to deal with the sense of detachment from the world and from people, and the sense I have of not fitting anywhere, which can't always be dealt with in the same concrete way.

TW: AMRAP 20 minutes - Run 400m, 10 ring pushups, 10 clean and press left, 10 clean and press right, 10 chest contractions - 5 rounds + 200m.

Afterwards I popped into the old office (I'm getting used to saying "the old office" and "my old job") and packed up the rest of my things. W was there and it was nice to be able to say goodbye formally. It has also been odd hearing question time and not having to listen. Man question time is annoying.

I also got my "getting fired" money today. It was more than I thought it would be, by a considerable amount. I was going to have enough to fund me for a while, and this is just more, which will mean more to invest. Some of my recent investments have gone down (ALK) and IMF and ASZ which I sold recently have recovered, which doesn't bother me, although I wish I hadn't sold out my ASZ stock given that I only sold because I forgot to cancel an order. Perhaps this would be a time to practice mindfulness if I felt obsessed by it.

I was right back into working out yesterday. I sustained some pretty impressive bruises and scrapes from rugby over the weekend (Minxyminou can attest to that) and running on the pavement hurt a little bit but running on the treadmill was fine.

YW: Run 400m, 21 kettlebell swings, 12 pullups. 16 minutes to do 3 rounds (and rest the remainder), 12 minutes to do 2 rounds (and rest the remainder), then one final round. My (approx) times: 10:10, 6:40, 2:57.

I also got the idea of making workout t-shirts for Helga and Coffee Snob who have both been coming to me for workout advice. The slogan on a dark grey t-shirt in pink letters in a militaristic font is "Strong is the new skinny." I did the design myself with a company that does customised t-shirts, and made one for myself too. Mine is black, with the words MOLWN LABE in blood red letters. A nice Spartan reference for me.

I went to the psychologist first thing this morning. First I told her that I was leaving work, and we talked for a while before getting to the crux of the session. Part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is accepting that you will have negative feelings, and trying not to dwell on them when doing so can't change them. I've noticed that even if I leave work, I still feel a sense of detachment from a lot of people and the kind of things that they do and worry about and value. People, even people I have nothing to do with and no reason to take notice of, seem to set me off on a grumpy path. When seeing perfectly ordinary people just minding their own business on the walk back to my car, I managed to feel annoyed by them for silly and petty reasons. Additionally, I don't seem to fit anywhere. (I reckon there is a post in this in itself, but that's for another day.) The idea when I get these feelings of detachment and annoyance and alienation is not to internalise them, but to not let them take over and to see them as separate from me.

She also reminded me that my sense that other people fit into things (like my parents and sister fitting into their careers and their personal relationships) much better than I may not be as true as I think, on accout of me seeing my insides and others outsides. I generally come off as pretty together from the outside, but most people who don't know me that deeply don't sense the frustration and pointlessness that I get at times. It could be that many of the people I see as having everything sorted are not as together as I think, but they still manage to get along.

Finally, I got a letter yesterday from CoS stating that next Friday 12 August will be my last day on the job.
( Click to read about Luckycanuck getting "fired" )

I went to the psychologist this afternoon. It went well I guess. Some of it was a blur, but there was a lot of venting on my part which means she got a fair idea of what is eating me. She specialises in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I'm not quite sure what that means but she referred me to some reading material on the subject. I guess it makes sense, but I went into screensaver mode and kept losing the plot whenever she explained it. I'm not sure I have the mental bandwidth to work it out right now. I think I will go back though. She seemed to pick up on me feeling remote and alienated from life and work, and I felt comfortable telling her things after talking for a while.

There are too many people in this office. The whisperer isn't whispering today, but he is sitting there in my space. (Also he has an annoying nickname for our receptionist which I hear about twenty times a day.) There is nowhere in the office for me to shut out everyone. I spent about fifteen minutes in the kitchen undisturbed, but hanging aroud kitchens for no reason is odd behaviour and if I stay there too long I might be discovered and be asked if I'm ok. There is a reception in the boardroom right now with a whole bunch of people present. I've not stepped in there and I hope none of them will come to my part of the office to introduce themselves. I went down to the cafeteria to get some dinner about half an hour ago, and couldn't decide on anything. Some things weren't listed and detailed in full, and that set me off. So I left without getting anything and wandered around the halls for a bit. I can't do that for too long, however, because someone might spot me and my thousand yard stare.

So here I am, hungry but can't figure out what to do about it, needing space but unable to find it. I will get through today as long as nothing further sets me off.

Oh, good news. The Food and Grocery Council wants me to come in for an interview next week.

The question might become "do I want to take on a new job at a time like this?" I did very well with the first interview and will likely do well next week. If I am offered the job, will taking it be a excessively big decision for someone who can't even decide on dinner?