luckycanuck | Entries tagged with grumpy young man

I was right back into working out yesterday. I sustained some pretty impressive bruises and scrapes from rugby over the weekend (Minxyminou can attest to that) and running on the pavement hurt a little bit but running on the treadmill was fine.

YW: Run 400m, 21 kettlebell swings, 12 pullups. 16 minutes to do 3 rounds (and rest the remainder), 12 minutes to do 2 rounds (and rest the remainder), then one final round. My (approx) times: 10:10, 6:40, 2:57.

I also got the idea of making workout t-shirts for Helga and Coffee Snob who have both been coming to me for workout advice. The slogan on a dark grey t-shirt in pink letters in a militaristic font is "Strong is the new skinny." I did the design myself with a company that does customised t-shirts, and made one for myself too. Mine is black, with the words MOLWN LABE in blood red letters. A nice Spartan reference for me.

I went to the psychologist first thing this morning. First I told her that I was leaving work, and we talked for a while before getting to the crux of the session. Part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is accepting that you will have negative feelings, and trying not to dwell on them when doing so can't change them. I've noticed that even if I leave work, I still feel a sense of detachment from a lot of people and the kind of things that they do and worry about and value. People, even people I have nothing to do with and no reason to take notice of, seem to set me off on a grumpy path. When seeing perfectly ordinary people just minding their own business on the walk back to my car, I managed to feel annoyed by them for silly and petty reasons. Additionally, I don't seem to fit anywhere. (I reckon there is a post in this in itself, but that's for another day.) The idea when I get these feelings of detachment and annoyance and alienation is not to internalise them, but to not let them take over and to see them as separate from me.

She also reminded me that my sense that other people fit into things (like my parents and sister fitting into their careers and their personal relationships) much better than I may not be as true as I think, on accout of me seeing my insides and others outsides. I generally come off as pretty together from the outside, but most people who don't know me that deeply don't sense the frustration and pointlessness that I get at times. It could be that many of the people I see as having everything sorted are not as together as I think, but they still manage to get along.

Finally, I got a letter yesterday from CoS stating that next Friday 12 August will be my last day on the job.
( Click to read about Luckycanuck getting "fired" )

Frustration seems to have caught up with me.

Yesterday there was a work lunch that involved us going down to the Canberra Yacht Club. I don't especially like the yact club as I think the food is overpriced for what it is. Looking around, I also foud myself annoyed by what looked like a bunch of smug grey haired people who dine in yacht clubs on Friday afternoons. I was also annoyed by the fact that I was sat next to a co-worker who snorts when he laughs and who smelled like nicotine. I was also annoyed by having to make conversation with a guy who used to work for W before my time and who I've seen before, but who means nothing at all to me. I had nothing to add to conversations about home renovations or about taking the kids to see a show in Sydney on the weekend or about the footy tipping competition. As soon as I sat down I decided I would rather have stayed at the office alone (but that would have been noticed by everyone else.) I said very little, and I left as soon as I could.

At one point I looked out on the lake and two guys were on the lake in a canoe. I would much rather have been doing what they were doing. I had also read an article about the training of Navy SEALs. I was awestruck by the Hell Week training, and sitting at lunch I would much rather have been in the early stages of hypothermia doing pushups on a beach in California than sitting in a warm dining room. (And that's not hyperbole, that is literally true.)

Back at work, I waded through heaps of letters that had accumulated during my time away and they finally got to me. I loathed the people who sent us timewasting letters expounding half baked ideas written by hand in difficult to decipher script and even those that were legitimate. We even got a letter from an organisation concerned about the curriculum in schools. This was an organisation with letterhead and with staff, and their letter began with the salutation "Dear Member of Parliament". Attention groups trying to get the attention of politicians! If you are going to send a letter to a politician, you might want to actually write down their name. I am considering sending them a letter in return in an unmarked envelope and on ordinary non-letterhead paper saying "Dear Organisation, Thank you for your letter or e-mail or fax. I value the contributions and insights of your organisation on the issues you raised, whatever they were. I can assure you that I either agree entirely with your views, I agree with some of them, or I think you are a bunch crackpots who should be locked up until you are no longer a danger to society. Sincerely, Random Member of Parliament to whom you wrote. P.S. I would be happy to meet with representatives of your organisation if you can figure out which one of the 150 Members of Parliament I am."

I made it to the gym after work, with a sense of rage bubbling away beneath the surface. On the walk to the gym I found myself having somewhat violent fantasies about taking on gangs of street thugs who dared to harass me, and sending them running before humiliating their leader by taking his shoes and shirt and pants and forcing him to walk home barefoot and clad only in his underpants. Anyone who approached me was likely to get yelled at.

I managed the heaviest workout I've taken on since getting back from holiday.

YW: 30 80kg deadlifts, 30 pullups, run 800m - 3 rounds.

It took me just over half an hour. I would have liked to have done it faster, but that is a lot to deadlift and pull and I found myself getting dizzy and gasping for breath more than once. This workout really smacked me around, but luckily not a single person spoke to me the whole time.

The thing is, I didn't really feel less frustrated. I got home and tried to set up the new modem I picked up to hopefully allow our house to get our wireless started again but could barely accomplish anything on accout of being so bent out of shape.

bakerypenguin wound up coming over to help and diagnosed the problems we had (which are the problem of our provider rather than us) and I spent most of the time thinking "I'm not well. Something is wrong."

Helga and Alleluia and Roxy came home and we all watched Paris Je T'aime and I felt a bit better knowing there was nothing I could do, but I still went to bed all frustrated.

Today I'm feeling a bit better despite waking up at 4am due to it being the coldest night I can recall so far this year. There will be another major workout which will probably smack me aroud some more, some shopping, and I suspect a lot of barricading myself into solitude. Maybe I will do something nice for dinner tonight.

I don't think I'm supposed to feel like this.

I went to the counsellor yesterday. I'm not sure how it went. There wasn't any sense of where I should be going from here or what I should do. He did advise me to look at other jobs within politics, which could mean talking to employment agencies, finding a job in what will soon be the new NSW state government, or possibly moving out of politics into the public service. He seemed to be much more optimistic about my skills and abilities than I am. I told him so. A lot of people seem to think I would waltz into reasonably high level jobs. At the moment, however, I attach little value to the the work I am doing, and so I attach little value to myself. Maybe I need to get out of it, to do it better, or to find a way to attach more importance to it. I'm not sure which.

He wasn't convinced I am dealing with depression, as there are no physical symptoms like lack of sleep or sickness and my exercise regimes are still in place. I'll keep an eye on this front.

I kind of wish I had requested a woman. This guy was fine I guess, but I am more comfortable around women with issues like this.

I had my first day back at the gym after the 12 hour run yesterday. I was testing myself out on a number of different things that had been aggravated by the twinge in my back. The good news, the twinge was minimal on things like deadlifts, bench press, seated shoulder press, all things I have not done in over a month. I will be glad to get back into form at the gym.

Still underperforming at work though, and unmoved to do better.

Also, I think this sounds the right note on Valentine's Day. The last time I was in a relationship of any description on Valentine's Day was in 2006. At the moment I simultaneously feel happy with being single, and unconvinced that I have much to offer on this front.

I've been feeling detached from work recently. Basically, it's my job to take an interest in what people think. The problem is, I don't care. Whatever your problem or idea or opinion, if you write into us, I will resent you for disturbing my day. Of course this always applied to the timewasters, but I've come to feel the same way about the members of the public who contact us with a good reason.

It seems that my sense of detachment is now spreading. The conversations held by friends or work colleagues on subjects like wine or the housing market or $500 sunglasses worn by people who don't run because if they did they might break a sweat are of markedly less interest. Tennis is taking over the sports coverage. We had an Australia Day BBQ with a bunch of people over, few of whom I could be bothered spending time with. I almost told a guy at the gym to f*ck off yesterday when he commented on my form whilst doing pullups. My parents arrived this morning from Canada, and though I'm going up this afternoon to visit them, it's almost as though I can't be asked. The thought of doing something that inconveniences me in the slightest is repellent.

There is the prospect that I am becoming bitter about life in general. There is also the prospect that I am just in a profoundly selfish mode right now. I've really got very little to complain about. I have a good job that pays me more than I need to live on, I'm healthy, I have things that interest me. But the list of things that I can be counted on to take an interest in seems to be shrinking. Going to the gym is generally fine because I can focus on my work and shut out everything else with sweat and endorphins. Being at home is fine because I like the people I live with. Being around people I already know and who know me is fine because they understand what I'm like. There is, however, a growing sense of annoyance at other people, even if they're not doing anything wrong.

Part of it is probably compassion fatigue. If I hear one more appeal to make a donation to the people in Queensland who have lost property in the recent floods I think I might just go there with a garden hose and try to recreate the catastrophe. I am tired of hearing about other people's problems and of being expected to do something to fix them.

But my default reaction to a lot of things seem to be becoming "I dont care". Changing jobs to something that doesn't require me to interact with insane and annoying people won't be enough if the sense of malaise goes deeper.

With the housing situation resolved, I can now pay attention to other things. Such as:

( Cut for pics and video )

TW: Pushup mountain - 46:35 and 460 pushups. Later at the gym: 10 SDHP, 10 pullups - 5 rounds. 10 corner pulls, 20 corner presses - 5 rounds. 50 bicep curls.

This afternoon I made my way across the border to Queanbeyan to renew my drivers license. (Officially I live in NSW at the Collaroy Castle as far as the state government is concerned.) It was a reminder that society as a whole is not accurately reflected by the people with whom we work and with whom we socialise and spend most of our time.

I've got the whole house to myself all weekend. If it were a bit warmer in Canberra I might walk around with nothing on. WOOHOO!!! Instead, I will enjoy watching the NRL and AFL finals tonight hoping that the Raiders and the Magpies manage wins.

Oh, one more thing. I know Oprah Winfrey has kind of a scary ability to influence people to do things, and as a result her recent announcement that she is bringing an American studio audience to Australia might pay dividends to the Australian tourism industry. (Though it's not exactly accurate to say she is generously flying her audience over, as Australian taxpayers are actually footing the bill.)

But I can really do without seeing the footage of her audience going hysterical over the fact that they would be flying to a modern and accessible country that they could have easily visited on their own. Oprah's not donating a kidney to you. It's like freakin' Beatlemania the way they were carrying on.

I know we need tourists to help the economy, but really, can't they just send money and not turn up?

Our CoS today remaked that today is POETS Day. That is... Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday Day. At the moment in the office there are just two of us. The recptionist just left. My office mate edidnt come in on account of flying to Melbourne. CoS left around lunchtime, and W is on his way to Queensland. That leaves me in the office accompanied by our diary secretary, an unavoidable sense that there is no point in doing any work, and an occasional phone call from a crazy person who wants to talk about the rim cities he is building in accordance with laws that he single handedly drafted and enacted and funded by an infinite amount of the cosmic currency he invented.

So one this wonderful early spring afternoon, I give you the rantings of a grumpy young man. (I have rejected the suggestion of some of my colleagues that I am becoming a grump old man, but mostly only on the grounds of age.)
( Click here to hear about subjects that David Mitchell and I agree on. )
On a brighter note. After taking a bit of a beating, a number of my stocks have perfomed quite well over the past couple of days. One (VMG) announced an impressive profit and dividend so I increased my holdings and it has gained close to 20% in a week on top of what it had already gained, and that's before paying me a dividend. Jindalee and Po Valley Energy, however, remain stubbornly low.

Off to Melbourne tonight to play in the Purchas Cup. Tomorrow I will be playing with the Convicts against the Melbourne Chargers in what is effectively the Australian Gay Rugby Championship. I may, at some point, be the only player on the field who likes women.